“The girls are soaking wet. No tongue’s drier than mine. I’ll come when I get back.” – Aerosmith, Back In the Saddle
Poor Steven Tyler. This lyric is an ode to a man who has no luck. Every girl around him is so turned on that they are literally soaking wet. It should be easy to get laid in such a moist atmosphere. But poor old Stevey. No tongue is drier than his. Literally everyone else is getting more than him. And if you have ever seen Steven Tyler’s massive lips, it is hard to believe that the tongue inside that saliva filled cavern has ever been less than damp. But there it is. He is so put off that he won’t even bother to have sex now. Steven will just come when he gets back, thinking about what all of the luckier fellas have been up to. Nothing like sloppy seconds.
“So get down, down here beside me. Oh, you ain’t going nowhere. No, I won’t hurt you mama. But it’s getting so hard…oh!” - Genesis, Mama
Let’s get this out of the way up front: I have always found men calling their girlfriends or wives “Mama” disgusting. Unless you have a woman’s young child immediately next to you, calling her Mama is the equivalent of saying, “You remind me of a woman I really love but legally cannot have sex with. So, let me live out my foul fantasies with you instead.” I have never been called “Daddy” by a lady, probably because I never dated a Hispanic woman, but mainly because it would make my penis turn irrevocably limp. This song is creepy enough to begin with, what with the laughing and weird keyboard and Phil Collins gigantic scary forehead, but Phil gets really crazy at the end of this verse. He’s not going to hurt you, Mama, but it’s getting so hard? Is it getting too hard not to hurt her? Because that is really messed up. There has ever only been one person with a good excuse about why it is hard not to hurt someone and that person is Edward Scissorhands. He wants to love you, Winona Ryder, but his fingers are sharp scissors. As awful as abuse is, we really hope that is what this song is about. Because the only other option is that the thing getting too hard is Phil Collins’ peen. And the idea of Phil getting blue balls from his turgid Sussudio is too disgusting for words.
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 12: Lightning Crashes by Live
“Lightning crashes, a new mother cries. Her placenta falls to the floor.” – Live, Lightning Crashes
Before they were making bloated, pretentious songs that no one paid attention to, like 1999’s laughable “The Dolphin’s Cry,” the band Live was making bloated, pretentious songs that you couldn’t escape, no matter how hard you tried. The nation was under a spell, and businessmen in cars and children in waiting rooms were singing along with Ed Kowalczyk as he whisper-sang intensely about spilling afterbirth on the floor.
There are a lot of things to witness there in the delivery room - the first sight of the head, the doctor saying “it’s a girl,” the joy on your wife’s face when she finally gets to hold her child in her arms - and if you’re Ed Kowalczyk, apparently you think, “I’m gonna go write a song about the stuff I saw falling out of her vagina afterwards.”
Here, check out the disgusting video, where they even give you a drop of watery blood to help you imagine it. But you should imagine it more like a huge, mucusy gray raisin, cause that’s more what it really looks like. Hey, don’t thank me. Thank Live.
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 08: Stuck On You by Elvis Presley
“Hide in the kitchen. Hide in the hall. Ain’t gonna do you no good at all. Cause once I catch ya and the kissing starts, a team of wild horses couldn’t tear us apart.” – Elvis Presley, Stuck On You
This song was Elvis’ first recording after he was released from the Army and clearly, poor Sgt. Presley came back a changed man from his time in the armed services. Elvis’ message with this song is that he is never going to stop chasing you down. Sure, you can say you want him to go away, but he is going to stick. Like glue. You may want a moment alone, but you ain’t getting it. You’re going to be like one of those creepy couples who are comfortable pooping with the bathroom door wide open. So, the man is clingy. That could be livable. But then, Elvis tells his girlfriend, hey bitch, it’s no use hiding. Go anywhere the hell you want. The kitchen, the hall, the basement, your parents’ house, the set of Two and a Half Men. It doesn’t matter how desolate and unpleasant a place you go, he will find you. He’s like the T2 of date rapists. And a team of wild horses, your sorority sisters and a security guard couldn’t tear him off.
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 07: All I Want to Do Is Make Love to You by Heart
“And in the morning when he woke, all I left him is a note. I told him, ‘I am the flower. You are the seed. We walked in a garden. We planted a tree. Don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare. Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there.” – Heart, All I Want To Do Is Make Love to You
Welcome to the song that ruined Heart. Any awesomeness from “Barracuda” is outweighed by the sheer volume of shittitude from this turd fest. So, for those of you following along at home, Ann Wilson finds a drifter shuffling around in the rain, throws him in her car, takes him back to a hotel and has sex with him so she can have a baby. Sounds like a really awesome plan! What could go wrong from having unprotected sex from a drifter? He probably has really awesome genes you want to pass along to your children because there’s no chance he’s mentally unstable! So, Ann has her way with this dude and leaves this insane note. Is Ann the flower or is she the soil? Is she the soil, and her vagina is a flower growing from her lady soil? And the dirt clod they buried from which the tree grew her womb? It’s all very confusing. At least he’ll always be in her memory. And his drifter herpes will always be in her blood.