Disgusting Lyric of the Day 07: All I Want to Do Is Make Love to You by Heart

“And in the morning when he woke, all I left him is a note. I told him, ‘I am the flower. You are the seed. We walked in a garden. We planted a tree. Don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare. Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there.” – Heart, All I Want To Do Is Make Love to You

Welcome to the song that ruined Heart. Any awesomeness from “Barracuda” is outweighed by the sheer volume of shittitude from this turd fest. So, for those of you following along at home, Ann Wilson finds a drifter shuffling around in the rain, throws him in her car, takes him back to a hotel and has sex with him so she can have a baby. Sounds like a really awesome plan! What could go wrong from having unprotected sex from a drifter? He probably has really awesome genes you want to pass along to your children because there’s no chance he’s mentally unstable! So, Ann has her way with this dude and leaves this insane note. Is Ann the flower or is she the soil? Is she the soil, and her vagina is a flower growing from her lady soil? And the dirt clod they buried from which the tree grew her womb? It’s all very confusing. At least he’ll always be in her memory. And his drifter herpes will always be in her blood.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 05: Summer Girls by LFO

“Do you remember? Do you remember when we met that summer? New Kids On the Block had a bunch of hits. Chinese food makes me sick.” – LFO, Summer Girls

Hey, Rich Cronin, the lead singer of LFO, wants to know if you remember him? He was that guy who was really, really into “The Right Stuff” and “Step By Step”? Not ringing any bells? Maybe this will jog your memory. He was also that guy who had insane diarrhea after you went to the Golden Buddha? Remember now? He kept running to the bathroom after his Sweet and Sour Pork? That guy who had that faint whiff of sickness and feces on him? He shat blood? Well, he totally remembers you, girl, and Ol’ Poopy wants to know if you still wanna knock them boots? We’re guessing no.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 04: Turning Japanese by The Vapors

“I want a doctor to take your picture so I can look at you from inside as well.” – The Vapors, Turning Japanese

The Vapors were an English band that existed way back in 1980, a much more innocent time where you could write outlandishly racist songs about other cultures with complimentary racist gong tones accompanying it. Yes, other races certainly do look different and act differently than white people! The Vapors lead singer/songwriter David Fenton mostly just sings about looking at a picture of his missing girlfriend. And then, he pulls out this little couplet making you wonder why the girl is missing in the first place. You want to look at your girlfriend’s insides? How in the hell is this sexy? Who the fuck wants a picture of the inside of a person? This is straight up Jack The Ripper territory. Look, I’ve been married for a long time now. I have never once thought, I wonder what the inside of my wife’s duodenum looks like. Hell, I don’t even want to know what my insides look like. You can find porn on any subject, shape or size. You can see every square inch of the outside of a human body. The outside! No one wants to see the insides, you creepy serial killer. Also, please never buy an animal.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 03: Tonight’s the Night by Rod Stewart

“Spread your wings and let me come inside.” – Rod Stewart, Tonight’s the Night

Rod Stewart is famous for many things, like being awesome in the seventies and then being awful for the rest of his life. Rod’s also known for having his stomach pumped after swallowing Richard Gere’s gerbil, who then himself had to have his stomach pumped for swallowing a gallon of Elton John’s semen, which is an awful lot of semen for a gerbil. But Mr. Stewart is probably best known for having hair like a frightening bird creature that one might see in an 80’s era Jim Henson fantasy film. Which helps make this line even more disgusting. Birds have legs they walk on and wings they fly with. So how do wings translate to legs exactly? Is Rod having sex with some hybrid bird-human type creation that only he can communicate with? Because no human has ever had sex with another human after basically saying, “Spread your legs, because I’m about to get all up in there.” But Rod doesn’t just want to sex up this foul birdthing, he wants to full on shoot a load inside of it. Every time you hear this song, try to not think of Rod hip deep inside of Big Bird, lost in the throes of a lusty romance.

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Disgusting Lyric of the Day 02: Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer

“One mile to every inch of your skin like porcelain. One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue.” – John Mayer, Your Body is a Wonderland

John Mayer is incredibly good looking, a funny talk show guest and a soul-crushingly boring musician. Also, judging by “Your Body is a Wonderland,” he is apparently dating a freak of nature. The young Mr. Mayer’s lady friend has some horrible skin complexion that makes her normally elastic skin seem like the same substance I eat my dinner off of. Who hasn’t dreamed of having their complexion being compared favorably to the creepy porcelain Precious Moments figurines. The lucky lady in question also has candy lips. They taste great and you can rip them off for a quick after-sex snack. But by far, the most disgusting part of this lyric by Mr. Mayer is the bubblegum tongue. Where to even start? Who hasn’t looked at a wad of chewed up, flavorless Bazooka and thought, “Yes, this is what my girlfriend’s tongue is exactly like. In fact, I would like her to drag this sticky, formless substance across my nether regions.” That is exactly why millions of teenage boys jerk off with a mouthful of Big League Chew in their hands. Congratulations! You’re not dating a woman, John. You’re fucking a candy dish.