ROLLING STONES FRIDAYS!!!: Anybody Seen My Baby?

“She was more than beautiful, closer to ethereal.  With a kind of down to earth flavor.”  The Rolling Stones, Anybody Seen My Baby?

Welcome to the phoning it in era of the Rolling Stones.  Look, this girl is two opposites:  “Down to Earth” and “Ethereal!”  Is she also a blonde with a kind of brunette look?  Brainy with a kind of casual dumb?  Leggy but with amazing boobs?  I guess it’s only fitting that Mick would be into a woman that can be described as opposites since The Rolling Stones could have two opposites thrown at them too:  “Legendary Musicians” and “Lots of Shitty Songs too.”

Let’s be honest:  this song, as well as most of the album Bridges to Babylon, is about 8 shades of embarrassing.  As much as I love the Stones, I don’t think anyone can justify Biz Markie rapping on top of a song that was lifted from k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving.”  Of course, a very young Angelina Jolie is in the video and Biz isn’t, so maybe the Stones weren’t completely creatively bankrupt.

Rolling Stones Fridays!!!  Oh No, Not You Again

“Everybody’s talking, showing off their wits.  The moon is yellow but I’m like jello staring down your tits.”  The Rolling Stones, Oh No, Not You Again

I hate it when gelatin desserts stare at my private parts.

Honestly, Mick, it is not helping your image as being old as shit when you compare your self to a dessert that only kids and old people without teeth are really excited about getting.


“Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields.  Sold in a market down in New Orleans.  Scarred old slaver know he doing all right.  Hear him whip the women just around midnight.  Ah, brown sugar, how come you taste so good?”  The Rolling Stones, Brown Sugar

This might be the greatest song about slave rape ever made.  Hopefully, it is also the only song about slave raping ever made. 

Mick Jagger has even said that he doesn’t think he could write this song currently because he would censor himself.   Which part would be the part that went too far, Mick?  The slave raping or the part where the raper asks his slaves why they taste so good?


“I’m feelin’ drunk, juiced up and sloppy.  Ain’t touched a drink all night.  Feeling hungry.  Can’t see the reason.  Just had a horsemeat pie.”  The Rolling Stones, Bitch

Actually Mick…I think I know the reason you feel weird and disoriented.  It’s probably because you just ate a horsemeat pie. 

 Christianity, Judaism and Islam all forbid the eating of horses.  I’m not especially religious, but when the Big Three can come together on a single topic, it’s probably in your best interests to just follow them on that one.


“One time you were my baby chicken, now you’ve grown into a fox.  Once upon a time I was your little rooster, but am I just one of your cocks?”  The Rolling Stones, Rough Justice

Mick Jagger was 62 when the song “Rough Justice” came out.  I only say that because, Jesus, this song is creepy.  Apparently, in this song, Mick was dating a younger girl who undergoes a metamorphosis from sweet young thing to devilish vixen.   But you know what, that’s something like a 20 year-old-does.  Not something a 36 year-old-does. 

So, creepy 60 something Mick is chasing a (much) younger lady.  Disgusting enough.  But Mick asks her, “Am I just one of your cocks?”  God, Jesus, fuck, I hope so.  The idea of a 62 year old comparing their half-rigid droopy boner to a bunch of 25-year-old erections is just depressing.  No one wants to be the oldest dude at the circle jerk, Mick.  Just take your saggy balls and go home.


“You, you, you make a grown man cry.  You, you make a dead man cum.” The Rolling Stones, Start Me Up

The Rolling Stones are old as hell.  In fact, Keith Richards has been clinically dead for years, but the lady in “Start Me Up” still makes him ejaculate zombie dust.

This whole song is like an old man’s cry for help.  “Please, if you just are able to start me up, I swear I can finish the task at hand.   Also, I may cry or cum on you, so watch out down there.”  What does Mick want this woman to start exactly?  Getting him hard?  That would kind of make sense because this song was made in 1981, long before Mr. Jagger would have had viagra.  Still, this is pretty much one of the best songs ever made about grizzled old English men pawing at you and never stopping.  So, basically it’s about Jerry Hall.