Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 91:  The Lonesome Loser by The Little River Band

“Have you heard about the lonesome loser?  He’s a loser but he keeps on trying.” – The Little River Band, Lonesome Loser

Of course I haven’t heard about the lonesome loser.  He’s a dude that keeps to himself and also sucks.  Who would voluntarily spend time talking about him?  In fact, why is there a whole song about this asshole?  It seems like he’s pretty well summed up in one line.  “Oh, he’s a loser but he keeps on trying?  Sounds awfully tedious.  Please sing some more about this unfortunate man.”

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 90:  Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground

“I smell sex and candy here.  Who’s that lounging in my chair?” Marcy Playground, Sex and Candy

Why does this song always make me picture two Oompa Loompas just going to town on each other while Willy Wonka watches, lounging in a chair and playing with his everlasting gobstopper?

Here is the problem:  Sex is amazing.  Candy is delicious.  Smelling other people’s sex or candy is just upsetting, mainly because you are not the one getting a blow job or a Mr. Goodbar.  Also, because smelling someone else’s bodily functions is just nasty.  You might as well be sniffing farts and peanut butter.


What’s Going On

Hey guys,

Just a quick pop in to let you know what happened and what is happening with the blog.  A few of you know that I am also a writer/producer of comic books and television shows.  I am currently neck deep in a new show that will be announced at the San Diego Comic Con in two weeks.  This show has consumed my life and has left me with little time for anything else.  I feel awful not updating this blog every weekday (something I managed to do for months).  But I can’t and won’t do half ass posts.  So I am taking a little time off and will update when I can.  Sorry for the break.  I am grateful that so many of you checked the blog and I hope to be back with some more entries soon.

Thank you so much for you time.  It means more to me than I can say.


Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 89:  Africa by Toto

“The wild dogs cry out in the night, as they grow restless longing for some solitary company.  I know that I must do what’s right, sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.” Toto, Africa

How in the fuck are you going to describe a mountain as being like another mountain?   That’s like saying that my pet greyhound is fast like a dog.  Well no shit.   Does your Toyota get you around like a Honda? 

This is the kind of shit I think about when I am alone, longing for solitary company, which is also impossible to have because the two words have fucking opposite meanings.  You know what, Toto?  How about just going back to plotting on how to steal Roseanna Arquette back from Peter Gabriel?

Ridiculous Swedish Lyric of the Day 88:  The Sign by Ace of Base

“I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes.  I saw the sign.  Life is demanding without understanding.  I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes.  I saw the sign.  No one’s gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong.  But where do you belong?”  Ace of Base, The Sign

I saw the sign, too, Ace of Base, and the sign said: “Stop.” 

This song borders on making sense a few times.  Some dude treated this lady pretty bad, I get that.  Then the chorus brings the weirdness.  Life is demanding without understanding.  But shit, its not like life is all hummus and tootsie rolls with understanding either.  And then, what is all this crap about being dragged up and into light?  What fucking light are you talking about?  Why do some people belong in light and some don’t?  What the fuck is “the sign” anyways?  And why does every Swedish rock group get compared to Abba?

Oh, I actually just did see “the sign” and it said, “Best if Used by 1994.”

Ridiculous Hair Lyric of the Day 87:  To Be With You by Mr. Big

“You can make my life worthwhile and I can make you start to smile.”  Mr. Big, To Be With You

So, this girl makes your whole life worth living.  And in return, you kind of can make her sort of smile?  What a shitty trade off.   

Granted her last boyfriend sounds like a crapbag too, but then again, dating the lead singer of Mr. Big isn’t some kind of major achievement either.


"Let me tell you about my brother.  He is my lover from the same mother.  He tastes like butter, under the covers." Le Sexoflex, Twincest

In a (pretty NSFW) video that is filled with insane imagery, one image grosses us out the most.  Look, butter can be ok on toast or corn or pancakes, but fellating a stick of butter is maybe a step too far.  If that is what penis tastes like, I am pretty sure that is why Mrs. Dash got married in the first place:  To avoid all those buttery blow jobs. 

ROLLING STONES FRIDAYS!!!: Anybody Seen My Baby?

“She was more than beautiful, closer to ethereal.  With a kind of down to earth flavor.”  The Rolling Stones, Anybody Seen My Baby?

Welcome to the phoning it in era of the Rolling Stones.  Look, this girl is two opposites:  “Down to Earth” and “Ethereal!”  Is she also a blonde with a kind of brunette look?  Brainy with a kind of casual dumb?  Leggy but with amazing boobs?  I guess it’s only fitting that Mick would be into a woman that can be described as opposites since The Rolling Stones could have two opposites thrown at them too:  “Legendary Musicians” and “Lots of Shitty Songs too.”

Let’s be honest:  this song, as well as most of the album Bridges to Babylon, is about 8 shades of embarrassing.  As much as I love the Stones, I don’t think anyone can justify Biz Markie rapping on top of a song that was lifted from k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving.”  Of course, a very young Angelina Jolie is in the video and Biz isn’t, so maybe the Stones weren’t completely creatively bankrupt.

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 84:  Get It On (Bang a Gong) by T. Rex

“Well, you’re built like a car, you’ve got a hub cap diamond star halo.  You’re built like a car, oh yeah.  Well you’re an untamed youth, that’s the truth, with your cloak full of eagles. You’re dirty sweet and you’re my girl.” – T. Rex – Get It On (Bang a Gong)

Aside from all the drugged out ramblings of a mad man (what in the hell was Marc Bolan on where his girlfriend appeared to be wearing a jacket full of endangered wildlife?), nothing makes a woman feel hotter than when you compare her to a heavy ass hunk of metal.   “Hey, baby.  I like the way you can accommodate several men at once, just like my car.  Now put this cloak full of screeching birds on and hop inside of yourself.”

Ridiculous Threat Lyric of the Day 83:  Laura by The Scissor Sisters

“This will be the last time I ever do your hair.” Scissor Sisters, Laura

Threatening someone that this is the last time you’ll do their hair is somewhere on par with threatening someone that this is the last time you’ll ever do their dishes.  OK.  Great.  Someone else will do it.  Or it won’t get done.  Who gives a shit?  No lines no waiting at Supercutz, bitch.